Necessity, necessity. There are a lot of things in this apartment. I remember a time when they were a means of battle, a way to show success. The mere thought of it always made me depressed but it wasn’t about what I wanted it was about what I needed.
The issue is I was never really listening to my needs. It was always someone else’s. Or at least trying to impress someone else. That doesn’t matter now, I’m free. My wings are growing back in so why is this so hard to decipher?
I look around a porch filled with stuff that really is unneeded, if you think deeply enough on it. But what is the difference between need and want? It probably lies in perception, right? What is my perception? That is the key right now, that is my salvation.
I want more shoes but I’ve already three pairs of boots, one pair of tennis shoes and two pairs of heels. Why do I want more shoes? Is it because I want more clothes and therefore an excuse to match them up? For what reason? To impress people? I hate people.
I’ve eight routine outfits I typically go through, all which can be mixed and intermingled with one another. That is a week and a half worth of work clothes. The rest is a plethora of pants, hoodies and t-shirts I wear on the regular. I’ve tons of those to get through countless weekends and a few, very rare, nights out. Sometimes it still feels like too much but that’s why there are bags of them lining my closet, I’m just too antisocial to leave the house long enough to take them to the thrift shop.
Six to eight dresses at a time, which only three are every routinely worn.
Food is a necessity, food is a good one. I’ve mastered that, besides of course the alcohol, but something has got to soothe my mind enough to let me get through a thought from beginning to end. I jump around a lot. Not easily distracted just easily stimulated.
Perpetuating, languid, tired.
So those are two things that I deem as necessities – clothing, in a limited but progressive quantity and food. Raw foods, whole foods, vegetables – no meat. Not in the way we currently… harvest.
What else? My car? More of a luxury but I take good care of it and have no desire to trade it in for a newer model. That proves something right?
No, I’ve nothing to prove. It’s an unfortunate necessity though in our current society. I want a horse. I used to ask that question all the time as a teen, why don’t we still ride horses? Not for sport, not with all of the unnecessary and painful equipment. More for the bond and progression towards a common goal. Equality, in a sense. Less waste, less gasoline. We hide our devastation through the excuse of progression. We are wasteful and sick.
I’d take care of my horse. I’d feel less alone with one. I can talk to my car but I can’t look into it’s eyes and feel something
Alcohol is not a necessity but at the same time it is. Like I said, clear train of thought, slows things down. Makes them easier to pick apart and comprehend. That’s the difference between limiting drunkenness and sedation for pain. No better than taking any of the medications we’re regularly prescribed. Trust no one, especially not your doctor.
So food, clothes, car, alcohol (personally) what else? Ah, of course, shelter. A home, preferably. But that is more of a comfort than a necessity, right? And again, what we deem as a home lies in perception. Though having something to shelter you from the rain and snow is good, too, I suppose.
I’ve been without it before and I was just fine. It’s where the heart is but mine is dead.
I wasn’t fine but I survived without it. God, we don’t really need any of this stuff, do we? All of our necessity has only become a way to make it easier. We’re lying to ourselves. We’re selfish, we’re weak. Put us all out in the wilderness for six days and the majority of us would die or need therapy afterwards. That’s pathetic, that’s pitiful, and we’re doing it to our animals, too. Our, our. Possessive. They’re not ours but we’ve made it that way. We’re disgusting. We’re dumbing everything down.
I pull a hand through my hair.
What do I want? Why am I thinking so much on this? Do I need it to be simplified? Do I need a reason for why I hate everything and at the same time simultaneously want to protect what and whom I deem as good.
How do I even know if my perception is right? And why do people tend to lean towards that, anyways? What do they see in me?
Is it necessity or want? Or have we completely lost the basis of either in the first place?